I'm Sorry I Love You

By Shona Schutz
With the rise of social media; overly curated pictures and wanting to be perceived by others in a specific way, my mental health and self-esteem have been on a roller coaster ride.
At 11 years old, I became so obsessed with how I looked and spent hours in front of a mirror scrutinising every aspect of my body.
I put my body through such destructive measures in order to fit what I thought was beautiful. But I was never happy with how I looked. I was never happy with the number on the scale. As much as I tried to do everything “right” to fit the “perfect” image I had ingrained in my mind, I wasn’t able to escape the internal fight.
I lost control at one point.
I lost who I was.
Who was I becoming?
9 years on.
I still struggle with how I look some days.
I struggle with my confidence, but that’s SOME days.
Other days I love my body and appreciate what it does for me every day. The way it moves when I dance. The strength it shows when I push it during intense activities. And how adaptable it can be.
I realised that my weight does not mean anything anymore. I realised that my life should not be determined by my body mass or the space my body occupies but rather the space I fill with my heart, soul and personality.
Over the years, I’ve come to understand and love that perfectly imperfect exists within me.
I am human with soul in an ever-changing body, with a desire to just - be.
So to my body; I’m sorry for the hurt I’ve put you through, I love you.